We constantly compare. We compare ourselves to other parents. We compare one child to another. It’s a major regret that many parents of adult children have as they look back over time, and it’s something that we all do, whether we know it or not. In fact, there’s a whole psychological concept around this called Social Comparison Theory. Basically, it states that we derive our own worth or progress based on how we stack up against others. We scroll through our social media feeds and see how other parents seem to have it all together. We can use it as fuel and motivation for improvement, so it’s not all bad. But, it can cause us to experience guilt, or even worse, depression.
It also shows up in our families when we find ourselves comparing one child to another and maybe even expressing it verbally. “Why can’t you do this like your brother?” “Your sister never did that.” When we do this as parents, we are inadvertently encouraging our children to derive their value from how they stack up against a sibling.
7. Not Having More Meaningful Conversations
My daughter likes to have her deepest discussions at night before she goes to bed. And, of course, that’s the least optimal time for me. I’ve had a long and sometimes stressful day. While I should savor these moments and thank God for the opportunity, I often dread them and view them as my daughter’s subtle way of avoiding going to bed. Looking back, many parents who may have avoided similar moments regretted their feelings and actions. These opportunities are only available for a limited time. I know there will come a day when my daughter doesn’t want to have these conversations. And, I’ll look back and realize that my attitude was all wrong.
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8. Not Spending Enough One-On-One Time
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Yes, the time that we have with our kids under our roofs is short. Family time is important, but often, parents regret not having spent more one-on-one time with their kids. This is especially important if you have multiple kids. There’s a special bond to be formed between dads and daughters, dads and sons, mothers and daughters, and mothers and sons. It requires an investment of time and intentionality. The relationship we ultimately have with our children when they are grown is built on these moments – these times that we invest in them individually.
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