Seeking Happier Holidays? Managing Expectations Can Help | Holidays

Don’t look now, but the holidays are nearly here. And while it can often be a joyful time, those in recovery find that the season can also bring challenges, even threats to one’s sobriety, making the holidays especially tricky.

Triggers are everywhere, a recovery center blog post recently pointed out. Holiday gatherings, family parties, frequent drinking to excess — New Year’s Eve, anyone?— and even TV commercials glorify drinking and partying.

Complicated family dynamics can be another factor, the blog post noted; Seeing friends and family members during family gatherings can bring up old emotions or unresolved issues.

“Those situations could be stressful,” Amy Krentzman, associate professor and director of research for the School of Social Work at the University of Minnesota, said in a recent interview with The Phoenix Spirit. “It might mean being in the company of individuals who conjure up some negative emotions … conflict, stress, old history … it can create a feeling of needing to be guarded, to shore yourself up to be in their company.”

Still another challenge can emerge with a change in routine, which often occurs during the holidays, Krentzman said. “It can mean that someone is either busier than usual doing their job and planning for the holidays, or traveling, or they may have more time on their hands than they usually have.” Either way, those in recovery might find that their usual 12-step meetings and support connections may be fewer during the holidays.

Finally, related to all of these stressors, holiday expectations in general can be the biggest challenge worth noting. People tend to want holiday festivities to be perfect, and when they’re not, things can get messy. In addition, old traditions or memories can be painful. Plus, for those in recovery, dealing with family and friends’ expectations can be tough to live up to during the holidays.

Conversely, those in recovery may have unrealistic expectations of others during the holidays. In other words, “Just because you have holiday music playing in the background doesn’t mean that mom is capable of loving and being present emotionally,” Julia Hess, owner and founder of Bloomington-based Planting Seeds Recovery, told The Phoenix Spirit. “So, during the holidays, it might mean not having expectations that family members are going to show up as better versions of the themselves during a time of high stress and overwhelm.”

With these thoughts in mind, this article explores managing and resetting holiday expectations, provides several practical tips for navigating the holidays, and looks at how those in recovery can, as the University of Minnesota’s Krentzman calls it, “find the positive;” that is, discover ways to have fun and find happier holidays without drinking and drugging.

Managing and Resetting Expectations

Growing up in an affluent small town outside of Chicago, Stephen P. remembers an idyllic childhood, complete with fond Christmas memories. “The holidays were great. It meant a lot of family time, just a lot of fun.”

That experience, he said, set up high expectations for the holidays. “That set the barometer. That was the foundation for me. From then on, everything had to be that way.”

Focus on small, meaningful moments instead of striving for a flawless holiday gathering.Those expectations were tough to live up to, though, as the years passed and Stephen fought battles with drug and alcohol addiction. And the holidays? Far from idyllic. “I was active in my addiction … my wife was often disappointed in me and upset with me, including at Christmas.”

These days, Stephen, who now lives in Portland, Ore., has been clean and sober for more than 30 years. And he acknowledges that holidays can still be a challenge because of those “heightened expectations and experiences from the past,” he said. But he has been managing and resetting those expectations through acceptance and gratitude. “The program has helped me to go deeper into my heart and accept and be grateful. When you open your heart and realize the blessings and the lessons, it turns stuff 180 degrees.”

Indeed, acceptance and gratitude are at the heart of managing and resetting holiday expectations. In addition, several sources advise:

Set emotional boundaries. For those in recovery, take stock of what are the capacities of their friends and families, and what are their expectations, Hess of Planting Seeds advised: “Take time to think about the people you are going to have a connection with over the holidays and how they respond to holiday stress.” Additionally, “We can allow our loved ones to have stress and overwhelm without it being our fault, we don’t have to take it personally, we don’t need to take it on as our problem.”

Set expectations only for yourself. Related to establishing emotional boundaries, set expectations just for yourself, a Psychology Today article pointed out. “You have no control over the weather or the moods of your family members … choose to focus on what you can control—yourself and your attitude.”

Set realistic expectations. Those long ago memories of an idyllic holiday can be just that—memories. Instead, be realistic about the holidays. “Your sober Christmas doesn’t have to be perfect,” stated the blog post, “A Sober Christmas,” from the Scottsdale Recovery Center. “Focus on small, meaningful moments instead of striving for a flawless holiday gathering.”

Navigating the Holidays: Some Tips

Krentzman of the University of Minnesota offered several tips to help recovery people navigate the holidays:

Follow some party parameters. Krentzman cited AA’s book Living Sober, which advises “arrive late and leave early,” as an effective strategy for maintaining sobriety when attending holiday parties where alcohol is present. Further, Krentzman advised bringing your own alcohol-free beverages and, depending on the situation, “maybe even skipping some gatherings if they seem like they are going to be too stressful.”

Explore your own interests. “The holidays can be a wonderful time to explore what you like to do as a sober person,” Krentzman said, such as visiting museums, parks, libraries, and bookstores. The holiday season can be a great time to “root yourself more strongly in your own recovery identity.”

Help others. “Research shows that helping others helps the helper,” Krentzman said. “Who do you know who might be lonely during this time, older adults, or others you know in recovery who might be alone or who are in need right now?” In other words, you can fulfill one of the promises stated in the Big Book: “We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away.”

Be grateful for others. The holidays are a great time to take stock of those you feel grateful for, and maybe even get in touch with them, Krentzman said. “Think of who you feel grateful for. Make a list, then contact them, send them a text or email or call them, and say ‘thinking of you and remembering all you did for me, the impact it has had on me.’ This is a great way to cultivate some joy and appreciation.”

Finding the Positive

St. Cloud resident Wayne O. was dry, staying straight for his wife who was sober, but he had not yet entered into any sort of meaningful or formal recovery or 12-step program for himself. His wife’s dad was also in recovery, and, because it was nearly Christmas, they attended a holiday party hosted by Wayne’s father-in-law with lots of fun stuff going on, groups playing cards, others sitting around listening to music and telling “bad jokes,” party-goers snacking on good food, and generally everyone having a good time, Wayne recalled.

“I thought it was weird, all of these people are not drinking but they’re having fun … it was an eye-opening experience,” Wayne said.

Now sober for close to 40 years, Wayne added, “That was kind of the first step for me in realizing that I didn’t have to drink to have fun. You could get through the holidays and you didn’t have to be pickled.”

Wayne’s story stands as a testament to finding the positive in the holidays as a clean and sober person. Recovery people “care about increasing pleasure and happiness, and flourishing and having fun,” said Krentzman of the U of M. So, with that in mind, seek out ways to have fun. Maybe your AA group or recovery community will have its own holiday party, or try new meetings you haven’t been to before. Or, if you’re traveling, try an out-of-town meeting.

You can create new holiday traditions, as the blog post “A Sober Christmas” advises. “Make this holiday season about activities that reflect your new alcohol-free lifestyle.”

Finally, as the Psychology Today article points out, “Choose to avoid conflict, approach your holidays the right way, and be kind to yourself and others (even when you don’t want to be). Kindness is so simple, yet so effective.”

Angelo Gentile is a Minneapolis freelance journalist. He wrote about Bravo Zulu House for the September/October issue of The Phoenix Spirit.

Last Updated on November 13, 2025