Let’s talk about using attachment theory to understand friendships, particularly those we form in college or higher ed.
We’ve all read books and watched movies on how connections formed in college often lead to lifelong friendships. If only reality were as clear-cut.
Embarking on a new journey comes with anxiety and fear of the unknown. You’re miles from home, and your introduction to campus is a broody roommate obsessed with empty noodle cups.
College is about what you make of it, and yes, friendships are a huge part of the story. The college experience is shaped by something you might not even realize. We’re talking about attachment styles.
We’ll simplify this topic so you can better understand yourself and those around you.
What is Attachment Theory?
According to psychologist John Bowlby, attachment styles stem from our early relationships with caregivers.
Bowlby, who developed attachment theory, explained that these styles usually fall into four categories:
Verywell Mind clarifies that these patterns influence how we relate to others. This doesn’t only apply to romantic settings, but also to friendships, academics, and stress management.
How Attachment Theory Manifests in Friendships
Secure Attachment in Friendships: The Balanced One
If you have a secure attachment style, chances are you’re comfortable forming new relationships and asking for help.
You likely trust others, manage stress well, and find it easier to navigate homesickness. Securely attached students are inclined to thrive in collaborative environments.
They know how to balance independence with connection, making them ideal for peer leadership roles. Campuses are always canvassing for volunteer students who can aid in mental health resources.
Viranda says some apps offer anonymous student chats fielded by students who listen while the other vents. Who knows? This could be your calling in the peer counseling field.
Anxious Attachment: The Overthinker
You might lean toward an anxious attachment style if you’re constantly worried about whether your new friends like you.
Her Campus notes that students with this style seek reassurance, fear abandonment, and have difficulty setting boundaries.
This can make college relationships feel intense or draining. However, with awareness and support, anxious students can work on setting healthy boundaries.
Avoidant Attachment: The Lone Wolf
Avoidant students frequently appear independent. They may avoid emotional closeness and prefer to work alone.
If you’ve ever felt exhausted by group work or avoided opening up to your RA or new friends, this might be your pattern. Although this isn’t necessarily bad, independence is a strength.
However, the Daily Gamecock columnist Gabby Colorusso points out that avoidant students might miss out on support systems that could make college life easier.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: The Push-Puller
This style is a mix of anxious and avoidant tendencies. You might crave closeness but push people away out of fear of getting hurt.
College can be especially tough for fearful-avoidant students. The push-pull dynamic makes dorm life, group projects, and friendships feel like a minefield.
Recognizing this pattern is the first step to working through it and forming more stable connections.
Homesickness versus Independence
Being away from home for the first time is a huge milestone, and it hits people differently based on their attachment style. Forbes highlights that students with insecure attachment styles are more prone to homesickness and adjustment issues.
Securely attached students may miss home, but are generally better at managing their emotions. Meanwhile, anxious students may feel clingy or panicky, and avoidant students might suppress their feelings. Understanding this can help you approach homesickness with more compassion and effective coping strategies.
Applying Attachment Theory to Friendships
Start by figuring out your attachment style. There are free quizzes online, or you can reflect on past relationships and how you handle stress and connection. This takes some introspective work and being completely honest with yourself.
If you are naturally anxious, practice grounding exercises or journaling to process emotions. Avoidant? Try opening up in small ways to people you trust. Fearful-avoidant? A mix of both approaches could be beneficial.
Colleges usually offer counseling services. Speaking to a therapist can help you unpack deep-rooted patterns and build healthier ones. You don’t have to figure it out alone.
Changing long-standing habits isn’t instant. But awareness and small, consistent steps can make a huge difference, according to Verywell Mind.
Your attachment style isn’t fixed. Think of it as a flexible blueprint you can change. College is a great place to begin that process.
By understanding your style, you are better equipped to navigate relationships, handle homesickness, and build a more fulfilling experience beyond varsity and the real world.
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