coworkers are leaving love notes for each other, everyone’s upset about my anniversary gift, and more

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. Coworkers are leaving love notes for each other

I recently started working in a high-end retail setting selling a luxury item. The team that I’m working with seems really great for the most part, except for this one young couple who can’t seem to keep their private lives out of the workplace.

It’s not enough that everyone knows that they’re dating; one of them has begun taping small love notes to cash registers that are shared between 5-6 of us, in full view of our customers. Now in fairness, the notes are usually pretty short and subtle (“Happy Thursday!!!” followed by a series of hearts), but the most recent ones had what were unmistakably tiny breasts drawn on them, circles with dots in the middle.

I know it’s maybe none of my business and I should probably keep my head down, but every time I have to work with either of them I feel angrier and angrier that they’ve made us all so involved in their private lives. To complicate matters further, the male recipient of these notes is up for a promotion and I’m worried that their relationship will have a negative impact on our team dynamic if he gets it. Am I just being an over-sensitive grouch? None of the other employees seem bothered. What’s your take?

It’s not appropriate for anyone to be leaving drawings of boobs around a workplace, and it would be perfectly reasonable for you to say to the culprit, “Dude, I really don’t want to see this at work — can you cut that out?”

As for “happy Thursday”-type notes, I can see why the hearts are making you roll your eyes and think it’s a bit much to have on public view (and I agree with you that it is), but I’d let those go, especially since you’re new and the rest of your team doesn’t seem bothered, as long as it doesn’t cross over into outright love notes (pet names, mushiness, sonnets).

But you’re certainly right to be concerned if he could be promoted into a position where he’d be supervising someone he’s dating. The company shouldn’t let that happen, although retail is often more relaxed about that kind of thing than an office setting might be.

– 2015

2. My coworkers are upset about my work anniversary gift

Thanks to your blog, I have been at my job for five years. My company marks certain years of employment as an anniversary and provides a gift when you reach that anniversary. In my department, another colleague and I reached our anniversaries and were given gifts. These gifts are fairly high-end and nice and much different from the pen or pin I received in a previous position. Mine was a Tiffany necklace. (We are given a list to choose from based on years of service.)

I recently wore my necklace to work and received many compliments but a few people were a bit taken aback that this gift was paid for by the company. They felt this was unfair to everyone else. I reiterated that this was something we all get once we work for a certain number of years but some felt that was still not fair. Those who found it unfair were fairly young in their careers, have not been in a position for more than a few years at a time, and may be not be familiar with work anniversaries. One of the people who was unhappy has spoken to my other colleague who received a gift to ask for the written policy since she’s never heard of it. We initially thought she was excited to learn more, but turns out she’s gone to HR to complain.

I didn’t think wearing the gift to work would cause any issues and if I had known I wouldn’t have worn it. I know this person will see me and bring this up again, and I’m not sure what to say. What would be the best way to respond when she asks for more information or my views on fairness? I don’t want to argue with her or defend this gift that I will not wear again to work.

They’re being obnoxious — and do seem awfully inexperienced — and luckily, this is not a problem that you have to solve. They can bug HR about it, and HR can deal with it as they see fit. But you don’t need to defend the gift policy or argue with them, and you don’t need to stop wearing the necklace to work if you don’t want to.

If they make any more comments about it to you, give them a weird look and say, “Wow, what an odd reaction to a really common practice.” If they keep pushing, then say, “I don’t set our gift policies and I’m not the right person to talk to about it. I’m sure you can talk to HR if you want more information.” If they still keep it up, then say, “It’s really weird that you’re trying to debate this with me! I don’t set this policy and I’m not up for discussing it any further.”

Wear your necklace and enjoy it!

– 2019

3. Did I bungle this interview by implying I wasn’t interested?

I’m worried that I handled a recent job interview badly. The job was at a very exciting institution, and the duties were right up my alley, with a bit more responsibility than I have now. The job would involve moving to one of the big desert metropolises in the Southwest, a city I was ambivalent about (too hot for me, too conservative, and too car-oriented) but I was willing to consider the move based on what I knew about the job and the organization.

I had a successful phone interview, and then a few weeks later they flew me out for an all-day interview, which is typical in my field. There was a lot that I liked, especially the people I met, but other things that weren’t perfect, such as the actual physical location where I’d be working. At the end of the day, as the hiring manager was driving me back to my hotel, she asked me something like, “So, what do you think?” I panicked a bit — I wasn’t yet convinced I’d take the job if offered, even though I felt positive about a lot of it, and I became irrationally afraid of sounding too enthusiastic in case I later ended up turning an offer down. So I hemmed and hawed and said, “I’m not sure about the lifestyle here in Desert City, and you know I’d be expensive because of my current coastal Blue State salary” (the topic of salary hadn’t come up but I had already decided I would probably be unwilling to take a big pay cut even to move to a cheaper city). The rest of our conversation was fine – I liked this manager a lot and felt that throughout the day she and I had a good connection – but I worried I’d bungled that interaction badly.

Flash forward a few months and they haven’t been in touch. The job is still listed as unfilled, but I assume if I were still in the running I’d have heard some indication about it. Obviously throughout the course of an entire day they had plenty of opportunities to decide I wasn’t right for the job, but the conversation I mentioned above has stuck with me. Does my answer sound as bad to you as it does in my memory? What’s the best way to handle it when, at the end of an interview, they ask for your interest in the job, especially if you’re still on the fence and want to see what an offer looks like before making a decision? Should you be honest about any reservations you have, or should you try to show an enthusiasm you may not feel, just to keep options open?

Yeah, it wasn’t a great answer, unfortunately! It likely came across as if you had some serious reservations, and the salary remark sounded like you were signaling that this probably wasn’t going to work out.

It’s not that you needed to be 100% convinced by the end of the day. It’s that if you choose to mention serious reservations without anything else to temper it, an employer is going to take you at your word. It would have been better to say something like, “I’m really interested in the job, and today has made me even more so. I’m still thinking about what the move would entail, of course, but I’m excited to keep talking.” That would have been honest about your interest in the job (which sounds like it was high) but also noted that you were still mulling other factors. The problem with your response was that it was entirely discouraging; there was nothing indicating any enthusiasm at all.

Ideally you would have followed up within the next couple of days to let the hiring manager know that you’d been reflecting on the trip and were strongly interested in the job (if in fact that was true). That might have helped counteract the previous impression. It’s not necessarily too late to do that now, although I wouldn’t do it at this late date unless you know you’re open to moving if the offer is right.

– 2018

4. Does it matter who you report to?

I had a great phone interview recently for a newly created communications manager role with the hiring manager, who is also the head of the department. When I asked if the position would be reporting directly to him, I was told that decision hasn’t been made yet. It may end up that way or it would report to the project manager who has been in the department longest. I was a little disappointed as part of the attraction to the job was the opportunity to work directly with the director.

Am I looking at this the wrong way and does it really matter who you report to? I think my chances of making it to the next round are pretty good. Is there a way to address this concern should I continue in the process?

I should probably mention that my current job is structured in a similar way which I don’t find appealing as I find it limiting, but the place I work at is also a mess with a slew of issues so not sure it’s fair to use this job as a comparison. I am anxious to leave, but don’t want to end up in a similar situation, and also don’t want to pass on what may end up being a good opportunity.

Hell, yes, it matters! Your manager has a huge impact on your day to day quality of life at work and is one of the biggest factors in whether you stay there or move on.

However, you can’t really make them decide this faster than they’re going to decide it. The most you can really do is to ask about it in the next stage and mention, politely, that the opportunity to work with the department head was definitely a draw for you. For example: “You mentioned when we last talked that there was a question about who this position will report to. I’ll admit that I was particularly drawn to the possibility of working with Cordelia. If it ends up looking like the role may report to Falcon instead, I’d love the chance to talk more in-depth with him and learn more about him.”

But I’d continue on in the interview process and gather as much information as you can. If they make you an offer and it turns out that you’d be reporting to other person, not the one you hoped to report to, it’s reasonable to ask to meet with that person to learn more about their working style (if you haven’t had a chance to talk substantively with that person by this point). And of course, you can always turn down the offer if you don’t think the job comes with a manager you want to work for.

– 2015