grounds!<\/em><\/strong><\/figcaption><\/figure>\nLittle is known of the origins of coffee but that it predates the 15th century. While no early records exist, references to the dark brew were passed down through oral tradition by storytellers who never understood why they had so much trouble sleeping at night. The secret of coffee-making remained a dark \u2013 and in some cases, medium roast \u2013 mystery until Christopher Columbus discovered Seattle, which he named Starbucks.<\/p>\n
After that, nothing interesting happens to coffee until the 1950s when Buzzkill Science accuses it of being unhealthy. Science is just doing this for attention, History gossips, because students are switching their major to Liberal Arts, which rides a motorcycle and hangs out in arty coffeehouses.<\/p>\n
Contrarily, later studies link coffee to a range of healthful benefits such as a lower likelihood of type 2\u00a0diabetes,\u00a0heart disease, liver and endometrial cancers, Parkinson\u2019s disease, and\u00a0depression. Rather than admit to having been mistaken, an embarrassed Science distracts the nation by launching a space race and landing a man on the moon.<\/p>\n
A cynical Liberal Arts slides his hip shades down the bridge of his nose but remains cooly detached.<\/p>\n
Despite this positive news, coffee\u2019s image has remained tarnished and been further degraded by misinformation perpetuated by lobbyists in the pay of powerful industries like Big Chicory and the Seltzer Policy Center.<\/p>\n
\u201cOooohhh! Coffee\u2019s so hot you\u2019ll burn your lip!\u201d they decry. \u201cDon\u2019t spill! That stain never comes out!\u201d and \u201cThey\u2019re just a bunch\u2019a wild mug throwers. You know that, right?\u201d<\/p>\n
And eventually they all resort to the C-word. . . caffeine.<\/p>\n
If you recall your high school science class, I\u2019m sorry for that. However, that\u2019s where we learned that caffeine is a widely used natural stimulant found in coffee, tea and college students during finals. It\u2019s a bitter, white crystalline with a chemical structure that looks like a lot of little red balls connected to grey and white balls by pipe cleaners. The caffeine associated with moderate coffee drinking can help a person stay alert and delay tiredness while offering numerous healthful benefits. However, it can heighten anxiety, especially in people confronted by a bunch\u2019a wild mug throwers.<\/p>\n
Thus, it is caffeine that is the devious kingpin in the cup, and coffee, merely its hired muscle.<\/p>\n
Armed now with the same level of informed, well-reasoned facts by which we elect our political leaders, why shouldn\u2019t we enjoy our coffee?<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause it\u2019ll stunt yer\u2019 growth!\u201d my father would snarl at 10-year-old 1960s Dave when I\u2019d asked for a taste. \u201cIt\u2019s a bad habit and it ain\u2019t healthy!\u201d he\u2019d add, snuffing out another non-filtered Lucky Strike in his mug.<\/p>\n
\u201cWull. . . why d\u2019you drink it, Dad?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAsk yer\u2019 mother! And go do your homework!\u201d<\/p>\n
Good talk, Dad. And despite all quantifiable, scientifically proven evidence to the contrary, that is the lesson that sticks: Coffee stunts yer\u2019 growth!<\/p>\n
So, when my 9-year-old granddaughter, who\u2019d had a sleepover at Grandma and Grampy\u2019s, asked for sip of my breakfast brew, I gently, logically dissuaded her.<\/p>\n
\u201cWho told you about coffee! Is that what they teach you in school nowadays, along with spitting on the flag? Or did some little schoolyard caffeine junkie give ya\u2019 a \u2018free taste\u2019? Is that how you wanna start life, missy, with a monkey on your back? . . . Admittedly, a monkey who stays alert and focused and offers numerous healthful benefits? That sound good to you, missy? Does it? DOES IT!!!\u201d<\/p>\n
Unruffled, my adorable granddaughter, who I learned can shout as loud as Grandpy, explained that her dad\u2014my own son!\u2014had let her taste some of his heavily creamed-and-sugared coffee at the airport while they were awaiting a flight.<\/p>\n
Did she notice any effects? This is an actual honest-to-God quote:<\/p>\n
GRANDAUGHTER: \u201cI took two sips and I was super energized, like bouncing off the airplane walls causing maintenance problems.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ah-HAH!<\/p>\n
When my former son picked up his daughter, I quietly drew him aside and calmly screamed at him for allowing my granddaughter to guzzle coffee.<\/p>\n
Son listened calmly, as one does to a speaker spewing foam around their mouth, then explained that he\u2019d lied to granddaughter that his cup of hot cocoa was coffee.<\/p>\n
\u201cSoooo, she\u2019s not a coffee-fiend-hophead-burnout-addict?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe\u2019s never even tasted it,\u201d he said. \u201cWhat, you think I want to stunt her growth?\u201d<\/p>\n
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