What if the very words you’re using to fix your relationship are the problem? Backed by science and tested with couples across the country, Rob’s “wordless” approach isn’t about romance clichés or sexual intimacy—it’s about creating alignment, vulnerability, and lasting connection.
Hello and welcome to The Schapera Show, where Viv and Neil explore this big adventure called life.
Our guest today is rather interesting. Firstly, because the book we are discussing is entitled “Wordless Connection.”
And secondly, wait for it, this book is written by a man.
Let’s welcome Rob Thomas, the author.
Hi, Rob. Thank you for coming on the show.
Hey, Vivian, thank you. And I love the fact I get the shout out for a lot of things. But being a man is certainly not one of them, so I’ll take it. I’ll take it. Thank you.
So Rob, I found your book and your background extremely interesting. And I really, I really mean extremely interesting.
And I would like you to begin with your background because that’s the way we can find out more about you and we can get a little context for your body of work.
So can you tell us more about you?
Sure. I have spent my career working with organizations who are going through change.
And I’ve worked with generally large organizations and whether they’re going through a merger or they’re, most of them are adopting new software across the whole organization. And this is generally not just one country but multiple countries. And I’m helping the employees manage the change.
And part of this is with a communication plan and then identifying what their current job is and in the new situation what their job will be and then helping them make that transition.
So I’ve kind of done that with a lot of organizations and bring in a team and kind of work through that. And I’ve done that in a lot of different industries, a lot of different organizations, a lot of different focuses.
And so it’s been a big adventure. And I think that that’s part of what’s really attracted me.
I like adventure. I like to solve puzzles.
And so I kind of parachute in and have an opportunity to meet people and people are a lot of fun wherever I go.
And that’s kind of the kind of work I’ve done.
It’s very interesting because it sounds a little bit like systems theory, a little bit of working with the system and a lot of communication, needing a lot of communication capacity and helping people with their communication and understanding.
And that’s of my particular interest, both those pieces.
That’s really good.
Now, let’s talk about your book now.
I really was super impressed.
I don’t want to go on a ridiculous amount about how impressed I am with your book, but in my line of work I fall into the personal growth field and I find that generally 90 percent of the participants in personal growth are female and 10 percent are male. I think that might even be a generous percentage that I’m saying here.
And then to be honest, those 10 percent of males who do participate more, they’ve got a very different profile from you, not to say the better or worse or anything, but just different kind of profile.
And so that was another reason that I found your book that interesting and that fascinating.
And then the next reason why I found your book so impressive was because the other relationship book that has impressed me was by Harville Hendricks called “Getting the Love You Want.”
And I found that book more depressing when I first read it. It actually upset me and I put it aside and then about eight, nine months later I thought, “No, I know that book had some truth in it, in fact a lot of truth, and I want to get the benefit of it.”
But it was challenging.
Then I pick up your book and I look at your book and it is uplifting right from the beginning.
It’s empowering right from the beginning.
And then it’s got this amazing message in it that’s very, very relevant.
And so I do want to sing the praises and I do want to acknowledge all of that.
But I’d like you to tell everybody else what’s in your book, Rob? What is your book about?
“Wordless Connection.”
Well, thank you. First of all, thank you for those comments and thank you for the insight.
Not only do I appreciate it, but you’re telling me things that I’m not as familiar with that whole genre and the industry as you are, and so thank you. Thank you for sharing that.
My book is really about trying to understand how you can make a bridge between one person and another.
And a lot of the focus of the book is how I made a connection and wanted to build a bridge between me and my wife.
And really as you get into the book, the tools not only are very valuable and helpful, and I’ll get into this in a moment, between a personal relationship, these are tools that really can work in any relationship between anyone.
And I’ve got stories that deal with family, work situations, dealing with children, say a parent and a child, or just a lot of different situations.
But I’m going to focus on this idea about a personal relationship.
And so I start telling the story about myself and my wife, and again, I’m kind of a talker, and so I rely on that a great deal to understand, to listen, to be able to solve problems.
And if I run into an obstacle, I just try and find another way through talking to solve it.
And I think when we’re in long-term relationships, we have highs and lows, and even if there’s no real problems, we still can feel disconnected, and there’s a bit of a drift.
And when we have that drift, we may want to try and figure out a way to close that gap, or sometimes we even feel like, I don’t know if I can, or maybe this is just the challenge of being in a long-term relationship.
But I’d reached that point in my relationship with my wife, and I wanted to do something about it.
And no matter what I said, or I listened to podcasts, I listened to audiobooks, I tried different things, and they all were talking about saying the right words, the right moments, the right way.
And no matter what I said, it just seemed like my words were kind of overcooked, and they were not received like I had hoped.
And so, for the most part, the gap remained, but sometimes even I find that the gap is getting wider with my trying.
So I was in the situation where I wanted to do something different in my consulting business.
Sometimes if things aren’t working out, if I’m stalled somewhere, I will look at the plan that we had agreed to, and I will then just start doing seriously the exact opposite and see if I can kind of break the logjam.
And so I thought about that, and I said, “What’s the opposite of my talking?”
And I started kind of exploring this idea of not talking, and what would that look like?
And I then started a real interesting journey, and I describe this in the book, where I started with a few things where I didn’t say anything.
And so I talked in the book about a massage, massaging my wife’s back, or a hand massage or something, and doing it in a very deliberate, intentional way.
And I started to discover some things about contact and engagement that I was really surprised about.
And so I kind of went down this path and was able to discover some things that were really enlightening, that really kind of worked in my relationship, and that’s where I kind of started doing more research that started being the foundations of the book.
Excellent. Yes. So you found the very Alexander Technique principle.
Alexander Technique is one of my professions, and in the Alexander Technique, you have to check your patterns and see what you must stop doing.
And that’s the thing. That’s the key. It’s called inhibition, because you inhibit the pattern.
You stop the pattern. That’s causing the problem, and then you wait and see what will naturally happen, because, of course, nature bores a vacuum, and something will happen if you stop doing your pattern.
And usually the principle is the right thing has been allowed to do itself.
So you stop the talking, which was kind of what’s called a winning formula for you. It worked everywhere else, but it had stopped working for you in your marriage.
And then you thought, well, then let me stop doing this thing that isn’t even working anyway.
And for you, in your words, was to try the opposite, but it was more that you were stopping trying to use words.
And when you couldn’t use words, you had to find the wordless connection, hence the name of your book.
It’s rather fantastic. It’s absolutely amazing and excellent thinking.
And Rob, on page two of your book, you know your book is captivating. It was to me.
I can’t sing it’s praises enough, as I said, but on page two you talk about the self-talk playlist.
Can you tell us about that?
First of all, before I get into that, I did want to just highlight your comment that when —
there’s a statement that I’ve heard that echoes exactly what you said, is that when the student is ready, the teacher appears.
And I think that that’s really true in a lot of situations where we not only have a need, but we decide that we’re ready for a change. And then all of a sudden someone comes and talks to us, or we have a particular insight, and that is what happened for me.
And I just wanted to underline that that’s a stronger principle than I think people may give credit for.
And so as we start talking about this, I’m —
This was the self-talk playlist, and I can give it to John.
Go ahead. I’m looking at — give me a little bit more. Thank you.
Okay, yes. So on the self-talk playlist, you said that the feelings that let you know that attention is needed is feeling disconnected, constant fighting, loneliness, and not seeing eye to eye.
Do you want to comment on any of those?
Yeah, actually, first of all, it’s really a recipe for loneliness. That’s my comment.
I mean, it’s really like, “Oh, that’s sad for that man. Oh, I’m glad it’s not me.” So yeah, it’s really sad.
And I think that it’s — and particularly there are two things. One, you want to get out of it, and you can’t see how.
And the other thing that adds insult to injury to all this is that you cause this.
I mean, or at least this is the — this is part of my self-talk.
It’s not just that I was feeling lonely, and I was feeling this, and I wasn’t making a connection.
I could see that it was through the overuse of my strengths that had brought this about.
And I had not necessarily developed any other abilities or brought anything else. It had become kind of a shorthand of how I just kind of dealt with my partner.
And that was a challenge. And I think everybody not only could think of that list, but they can add to it.
We all have a tale of woe in our relationships that are particularly our own, and that’s a challenge.
Yes, it’s the human condition.
And anyway, let’s talk about wordless connection itself.
Can you describe what wordless connection looks like?
Certainly. The key element I’m going to use, for example, I give five experiments in the book, and one of them is what I call a five-second hug.
And the idea — and I would encourage everyone to just go do this as soon as they can, is with their partner.
You go in. You don’t need permission. You don’t need to think about it. You just go give them a hug, and you don’t say anything before, during, or after.
You just go in, and in the beginning you may even find yourself counting to make sure you hug for five seconds, and that’s it.
So that’s the event. It’s five seconds.
Now, the thing that is so amazing — and this is why it’s just magic — is that when our body understands that we are engaging with someone for five seconds, at the five-second mark, we’ve crossed a threshold.
And all of a sudden at that threshold, our body sees — if it’s before five seconds and we let go, our body says, “Oh, that’s just transactional. That’s just hello, goodbye.”
But once we get past five seconds, our body realizes that this is more, that we have decided with this person we want a connection.
And through our not only touching them, but as they touch us, we then have actually — we have an endorphin release. We have a serotonin release.
We have an oxytocin release. Our brain releases these chemicals within us that help us feel connected, help us feel cared for.
At times, people have written articles about how we feel loved. But the thing that we really feel is safe.
So these drugs help us — these pharmacology chemicals that our body releases help us feel that.
And so right — and again, we don’t have to do anything. The body just participates. And so this is the amazing thing about it.
And our body is set up to make this happen every single time.
And this happens with a five-second hug. It happens with a five-second kiss.
It also happens when you do a massage and you move your hand real slow.
And you move it slow enough that your hand, from the tip of your hand to the bottom of your palm, is covering one area and keeping contact with that one area for five seconds.
And so, again, a massage of the arm, the back, the head, or whatever, you do it very slowly.
And as you’re doing this slow massage, or you’re doing this hug, or you’re doing this kiss, you are focused on them.
You are just present in the moment.
You are being very intentional.
And so it’s the touch for five seconds and it’s your intentionality.
Intention actually is energy. And it is something that is shared when people feel it.
And after I did this, I engaged a bunch of people across the country in a research project where they tested these five experiments.
They kept journals and sent them back.
One of the things that I found, first of all, all of them had a positive reaction about using the tools, or using like a five-second hug.
But this intentionality is really, really key.
And if we are worried, or we’re doubting, or whatever, or we’re thinking of ourselves, why we’re hugging, I think we have a little less impact on our partner.
But if we are really focused on them, they will get it.
This wordless connection, and our body is all helping facilitate this, it isn’t just a message, it’s a conversation.
So when they feel it, they know they’ve got a message.
And what the participants in the research study found is that without talking about them, because I told them don’t tell your partner, because they’ll think they’re a guinea pig or something, just do it.
And if they ask about it, just say, “Hey, I just wanted to tell you I love you,” or something. Don’t tell them you’re doing homework.
Anyway, what they all reported back is that later that day, or the next day, their partner came back and gave them a five-second hug.
And they thought their partner was uninterested.
And so the thing is, is with intentionality, in the five seconds, you start a conversation, and your partner will engage.
Wow. Rob, this is a perfect time for you to say how people can get hold of you, and how they can get your book, and to say the name of your book again.
Yes. It’s Wordless Connection, Deep in Intimacy, Even if You’re Married, and you can get it on Amazon. And I also have a website, wordlessconnection.com.
I’ve got an email address where you can contact me there. I’ve got some other products that you can look at. Or you can even reach me at [email protected].
I’d be happy to connect with you, if you’d like, as well as you can get my book at Amazon. Thank you.
And do you have a coaching program as well, Rob?
I do. I do things with groups, and I do things one-on-one. And I would be happy to talk to anybody about this, and how this might help them.
And just quickly, before we take a break, just really in the briefest way, is there such a thing as Wordless Connection without touch?
Because what you described in your example all had touch in them.
Yes. Actually, there are a lot of people, including my partner, who is a little — and I think this happens with a lot.
Believe me, I talk to lots of people who are in very happy relationships, but they’re not as touch-focused as maybe some of this is.
And we’ve got two activities.
One I call Notes of Care, and the other one is the Spontaneous Act of Service.
And the Notes of Care is really just like on a little sticky note. You write something as simple as, “I love you,” or, “You’re great,” or, “I’m glad you’re in my life.”
I mean, something that I call a candy heart message, something that could fit on a candy heart. You just write that.
And this also, when the person holds this, with your intentionality, it also makes this wordless connection.
They think about it. It means something to them.
The act of service is something that maybe you think about, but you just do something that you think that they need.
You don’t ask permission. You don’t tell them it’s coming. You just do it.
And it’s really the spontaneity. And it isn’t maybe that it doesn’t even fit totally, but what they really get is the message of your intention.
Right. Let’s stop there. We need — because we have to take a break, and we’re going to go on with that after the break.
And so everyone, we’re listening to Rob Thomas, author of “Wordless Connection.” Please join us again after the break.
Hello, and welcome back to “The Shapira Show,” where we are talking to Rob Thomas, author of “Wordless Connection,” who is explaining a very, very powerful way to rekindle feelings of love and connection in our once-romantic partnerships.
And not only in our romantic partnerships, but also a way of connecting with people.
And where we got to before we had to take a break was we were talking about intention and energy, and we were talking about wordless connection without touch.
And that was a question of writing something perhaps on a post-it note called a candy note and just doing something.
It’s paying attention to the person in a particular way.
So, Rob, welcome back. We’re going to continue talking about wordless connection.
And if you can tell us again about wordless connection without touch very quickly, just to pick up where we left off.
Certainly. I’m going to tell you about notes of care.
Again, it’s very simple, and an example.
I was talking to a business associate telling me about notes of care.
He said, “Oh, well, my wife just left me a note. I ought to leave her a note.”
So anyway, I signed a little while later, and I said, “How’d that go?”
And he goes, “Well, you know, I decided to, instead of one note, I wrote 15, and I put them everywhere.
I hid them. I put them, you know, different places she’d find them, and she really enjoyed it.
She really enjoyed finding them. She didn’t know how many there were, and she enjoyed kind of the hunt.
And they were just in a lot of fun places.”
But then he goes on, and he really had just an interesting point here.
He said, “You know, the thing that was so curious is that she did find them all, but one of the things I was surprised at is that she left them in place so that she could find them again.
And she wanted to see them again.”
So this is really meaningful.
We often think, “Oh, that’s so dumb,” or the fact that we can manufacture it.
I mean, so we’re creating our own currency here, and we often maybe think, “Oh, that won’t matter,” or “I said that before,” or something.
No, no, no. It’s my experience. They can’t hear it enough.
They love a note.
Love a note, even with the same thing.
They just love a note, and it’s meaningful.
And you started this with a comment about how I felt.
Even if things are going well and we’re feeling close to our partner, there are moments where we feel that way.
Maybe it’s about our work, and maybe it’s about our life, and we get that note in the set-lifting, and we know at least we’ve got this person who’s with us.
And it’s that intentionality, that energy that we get something from, so that matters.
And then the service, again, we know that they’re doing something that they think we would like, and we feel like we’re being seen.
So again, the act itself, maybe it’s not quite right, or maybe it’s just a beat-off or something.
But it doesn’t matter. It’s that they prepared it, and they’re giving it to us, and they’re showing that I see you.
And that intentionality, again, is powerful.
And then it’s something that a person can repeat to themselves that this happened, or they share with a friend or a coworker.
Each time it’s shared, it expands to gifts.
And so this kind of experience is powerful.
So it seems to me, if I can interrupt, it seems to me that it’s the focusing your attention on your partner or on the person that you want to have the wordless connection with is the starting place.
You’re going to focus some attention there, and it could be acknowledging, or it could just be loving.
But it’s that choice to focus time and attention on the other person is what works for the wordless connection.
So it can be a hug if that’s what somebody likes, but it can be a note if that’s what somebody likes.
Does that sum it up?
Yes, that does.
And you’ll find that things work for you, and you may come up with your own situation, and again, something that you just experiment with and see how it works.
So these are not instructions or steps.
They’re just ideas to help get you started.
But there are some things that are there to help us, like the five seconds and the intentionality.
Those things are like laws of physics that will connect you and send a message to your partner.
Yes, you’re using my favorite words, energy, intention, laws of physics.
These are all the things that I use to help me with my work.
But let’s not talk about me. I really want to know this.
What moment made you realize, wait, this wordless thing might actually save my marriage?
Was there an a-ha moment like that?
I had been a few with my wife, and again, we had not talked about it.
And as I was getting ready for bed one evening, I noticed there was something on my toe, and she had got a metal box and put a little note on top of it.
And I opened it, and it was a note of care in there.
And I looked over at her, and she kind of smiled sheepishly.
And it was really just a very wonderful moment.
And so she felt the message of my wordless connection, and she felt it and wanted to respond.
And she came up, and really, so she was the one who kind of created this idea.
It’s not that I hadn’t seen it before, but she kind of created the idea of a note of care in response.
Again, no discussion, nothing.
And I had never mentioned it to her, but this is really something I like.
I like these notes. I save them all.
And over time she wrote a little poem, sometimes she wrote it. And they’re not great.
It doesn’t matter. I mean, it’s just been so wonderful.
It’s the exchange, the exchange of energy. It’s wonderful.
So again, no discussion, nothing. She just came up with that on her own.
And it was a real difference-maker, and then I knew why I was onto something.
That’s a wow.
So Rob, I’ve got another question.
Does this have any impact on the rest of your life and your general health, for example?
Yes. I would say that it allowed me to step back.
And so I’ve always been kind of leaning into things.
This allowed me to be a little more calm, a little more peaceful.
I had been meditating already, but this allowed me to kind of expand my meditation experience and appreciate it more.
And so every day when I go into a meeting, I feel like I’m a bit of a different person.
I am enjoying just the presence of the people, recognizing that they’ve got their own wordless connections that they’re desiring, and maybe sending my way.
And I have intentionality towards the people who I’m meeting with.
And that’s whether in my personal life, my family, or in my work.
And so, yeah, I feel like it’s changed my life.
Wow, you really seem to have cracked the nut.
Let’s hear again how people can get hold of you, your website.
Sure. It’s wordlessconnection.com or [email protected].
Get the book at Amazon. And again, my name is Rob Thomason.
The book is “Wordless Connection.”
And if I may, if I could leave with one note, it’s just that each of us carry a treasure within us, and it’s this abundance.
Our body is ready to help connect wordlessly.
We don’t have to think about it.
We don’t have to plan it.
We can just connect, and we carry that with us, and we’ve carried that with us from birth.
And so this is just with us, and we can do it without any preparation.
And it’s a wonderful experience, and I invite everyone to do it.
Thank you. Thank you so much, Rob.
So we’ve spoken to Rob Thomas, author of “Wordless Connection.”
And please follow this up. I cannot recommend this book highly enough.
It’s absolutely wonderful.
Thank you, Rob, and thank you, everyone, for listening to us.
Please join us again after the break when Neil delivers his report from the Shamanic realm.
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Book
- Wordless Connection: Deepen Intimacy Without Saying a Word Even if You’re Married
- Available from Amazon.com for $14.99 and on Kindle for $6.99
Website
Workshop
- Couples Workshop
- 3-hour virtual World Date Night experience for couples
- Check website for details
Coaching
- Group Coaching
- One on One Individual or Couples Coaching
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